Doubt Your Doubts

So, yesterday in my Book of Mormon class, we were told that even though Spiritual Paradise is in the Kingdom of God, we will not actually get to see our Heavenly Father until after we are resurrected . . . I did not realize this before, and it kind'a, sort'a made me really sad. I mean, I don't think this is a topic I could argue, 'cuz their was a quote from one of the Prophets, and scriptural references (which I can not remember exactly, roughly in Alma 41-42) - but, I mean, it's sad, because even though I know the Spiritual World is better than anything I can imagine, I will not get to see my Heavenly Father until later. It's like - say you moved back into your childhood home, but for the first year or so, you never got to see your parents. Well, some of you might be ok with that, but for me it just would not be the same.

Ida'no, it is probably way more ok than I am making it out to be, but . . . it was a surprising thing to learn. Still, this does not change my relationship with my Heavenly Father, I know He still loves me, and I am sure He can't wait to see me every bit as much as I can't wait to see Him.

I know my Heavenly Father is constantly aware of me, and aware of my continual desire to do that which is right - even when I fail to see that desire. Still, I don't want to tell myself that that is enough - the desire to do right - because as soon as I do, I stop actually doing right. But, I wish that my desires to get things right did not fill me up with so many feelings of inadequacy. I seem to have this ever growing fear that what I am doing is just not enough. I fear that I am destining myself for mediocrity.

It seems like my goals are just too far out of reach, or that someone else is going to grab them all up before I do. I fear that everything I do will go to waste in a life of mediocrity. (that is my word of the day.) I fear that, although I have the desire to do good, nothing I do will ever be good enough.

Sometimes, I fear that my efforts are not even enough to be quantified by Christ's Atonement. Man, I know that is the furthest thing from the truth - but, I still think is sometimes. (though, this is the first time I have put it into those words) I fear that every sacrament meeting I miss, or scripture I fail to read, takes me miles and miles away from the Celestial Kingdom.

But here is where I stand up against my doubts.

I know that the reason I am always too negatively critical of myself is because satan does not want me too believe I am capable of greatness - he does not want any of us to believe we can do it. He would rather have us think we are just too far from the path of God, so we will stop trying to get there. It is like we are standing on the edge of a pit, but satan is distorting the distance to the other side. He makes every small, wrong thing we do seem bigger and bigger, until we think we are incapable of repentance. That is how he tears down the strong in spirit. Some of us, he takes from the path by small, meaningless steps - but others he tricks into thinking we are already to far away to ever get back - so we start to wonder further off.

But we need to remember Christ. Christ is our bridge across the pit. Literally, no matter how wide the distance gets, He will aways make the bridge longer. No matter how far in sin satan may make us feel, all we need to do is repent and take the leap of faith to the other side. Christ will be there for us.

It's just like the bridge in Indiana Jones - we can't always seen it,
but it is always there from us.

Also yesterday, we had a university wide forum with speaker Dr. Ed Catmull, The President of Disney and Pixar Animation. (Seriously, pretty cool, right!?) He talked to us about how art helps us learn creativity, and creativity is really the ability to solve problems - related to any situation. And, how we can't be afraid to fail, or we will never learn,

And then, in Book of Mormon class, our teacher told us, "You do not earn your way into Heaven, you learn your way into Heaven." 

I thought these two ideas worked well together, because we can't be afraid to get things wrong in life every once in a while. We can't be afraid to try new ways of problem solving, and we cannot be discouraged by past sins. Dr. Catmull also said that our goal in life should not be the easy way - but, we should strive for excellence. This is interesting for me to hear, because it made me recognize my tendency for easy; I am a very lazy person after all. But all together, I have come to recognize the only thing standing in-between mediocrity and excellence -is not talent or fame or popularity - it is just your ability to keep working for excellence, and keep learning to be creative. The only thing standing in-between us and Celestial Glory, is our ability to keep following Christ across all of life's pitfalls. 

Fair-faring, friends - and please - "doubt your doubts, before you doubt your faith." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf